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EASY TERMS 

A DOMESTIC COMEDY IN ONE ACT 

BY 

KATHARINE KAVANAUGH 

AUTHOR OF 

'A Couple of Heroes," "In Wrong," "A Minister Pro Tern," "The 

Queen of Diamonds," "Under Blue Skies," "The Wife 

Tamer" and "Who's a Coward?" 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



EASY TERMS 



P.5 35 Z I 




cNOTICE 

PRODUCTION OF THIS PLAY 

■*• is free to amateurs , but the sole 
professional rights are reserved by 
the author, who may be addressed 
in care of the publishers. Moving 
picture rights reserved. ^D SD 



C O PY<R I G H T, 1922 

<By 
KATHARINE KAVANAUGH 

SEP oO 1922 

©CLD U2090 



•n^o 



i 



' EASY TERMS 

) 



CHARACTERS. 

Jimmie Smith The Husband 

[ennie Smith The Wife 

Murphy The Janitor 



Scene — -A Housekeeping Apartment. 

Place — Any Large City. 

Time — This Afternoon. 

Time of Playing — About Twenty-five Minnies. 



\. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

Up stage means away from footlights ; doivii stage, near 
footlights. In the use of right and left, the actor is supposed 
^o be facing the audience. 



EASY TERMS 



Scene: The dining room of a housekeeping apartment. 
A door in center of rear wall, backed by interior drop or set 
piece to represent a hallway. On this wall, by the door, is 
a speaking tube mouthpiece which is supposed to communi- 
cate with the entrance to the building. Dining table down 
center, with chair on either side. Buffet up left, zvith dishes, 
glassware and silver. Large armchair down right. In the 
armchair, as though thrown there carelessly, is a newspaper 
folded so that the real estate advertisements are outside. 
Empty cigarette box on table. These are the necessary prop- 
erties, but other chairs and furnishings may be used to dress 
the stage. 

At rise of curtain, Jimmie is seated at the right of the 
table. One leg is crossed over the other. His hair is mussed 
from his having run his hand through it frequently. His 
manner is discouraged. He absently reaches for the cigar- 
ette box, finds it empty and throws it back in disgust; then 
digs his hands into his pockets in search of a possible stray 
cigarette. He fails to find one. 

Jimmie (mutters in exasperation). Hang it! (There is 
a sudden loud knock at the door. He springs to his feet, 
startled, and calls quickly.) Who's there? 

Murphy (outside the door). Sure, it's me, Mr. Smith. 

Jimmie (somewhat relieved). Oh, it's you, is it? (Goes 
quickly to door, throws it open, and — ) 

Murphy enters. He is the typical apartment-house jan- 
itor; wears soiled overalls, blue shirt, an old cap. 

Murphy (entering) . Did yez hear me knock? 

Jimmie (with sarcasm). No, an angel whispered to me 
that you were there. (In natural tones.) What did you 
use — a sledge-hammer? 

Murphy. No, I used me fist. That's the only weapon 
an Irishman needs. 



EASY TERMS 5 

Jimmie. Well, what are you after this time, Murphy? 
Is our genial landlord going to raise the rent again? 

Murphy. No. Sure, he raised it last month. He doesn't 
like to be raisin' it too often. 

Jimmie. That's very nice of him. I suppose we ought 
to be thankful. Then I take it this is just a social call? 

Murphy. It is not. I see enough of the tenants in this 
house without callin' on thim for pleasure. 

Jimmie. Well, Murph', if you want to borrow any 
money you've come to the wrong address. 

Murphy. If I wanted to borrow money I'd know bet- 
ter than to come here. Do you remember what you told 
me last week? You said if any more of thim collectors 
came, not to let thim upstairs. 

Jimmie. You don't mean to say there's one down there 
now? 

Murphy. I do. He's a big, husky guy. I had the divil's 
own time kapin' him away from the elevator. I told him 
it was broke. 

Jimmie. Murph', you're a wonder. Is it Guggenheimer 
& Dulsenheimer's man? 

Murphy. If it is they must have sint a new one. This 
ain't the one that was here last week. I never saw this 
money-grabber before. 

Jimmie. Well, try to get rid of him, won't you, Mur- 
phy? Tell him collectors are not allowed to loiter in the 
hallway. I'm a little back in my payments. You under- 
stand how it is, Murph'; just a little temporary embarrass- 
ment. But those instalment people have no souls. 

Murphy. That's right ; so they haven't. 

Jimmie. They expect a man to go out and steal the 
money. I can't pay if I haven't got it, can I ? 

Murphy. No, that's as true as the nose on yer face. 

Jimmie. Listen, Murphy. There's a dollar in it for you 
if you can pull the trick this time. 

Murphy. Where are yez goin' to git the dollar? 

Jimmie. What do you care, so long as you get it? Listen, 
you haven't seen anything of the missus, have you? 



6 EASY TERMS 

Murphy. Your wife? I think she's standin' over on 
the corner waitin' for this fellow to go. She kind of sus- 
pects he's a collector. 

Jimmie. She went to the delicatessen store to get me 
some supper, and I'm starving to death. Get rid of him, 
Murphy. Honest, I'll pay you that dollar. I know where 
I can get one. 

Murphy. Well, he certainly is a sticker. But I'll see 
what I can do. (Starts to exit.) 

Jimmie. Thanks, Murphy. I'll do the same for you 
some day. 

(Murphy exits. Jimmie closes the door after him, turns 
back down stage, takes out handkerchief and mops his 
forehead.) 

Jimmie. Whew! (Stands about center, lurns the pockets 
of Jits trousers inside out; they are empty.) Not a nickel! 
(After a second's discouragement lie resolutely turns back 
his pockets. With an effort to be cheerful he begins to whis- 
tle in a disheartened sort of way, goes up to buffet, gets 
two plates, two saucers and two cups in his arms, and funis 
down stage again tozcard the table, still whistling in jerks. 
The dishes threaten to fall out of his arms. He juggles 
them clumsily in Jiis arms, and finally gets them to the table 
unbroken. He stands back of table, facing audience.) 
Whew ! That was a close call. 

While his back is toward door, the door is thrown open 
suddenly and Jennie enters quickly. She closes the door 
with a slam and leans against it, her face turned from Jim- 
mie and audience. At slam of door, Jimmie is startled 
and throws up his hands. 

Jimmie (shouts). Don't shoot! I surrender! (Turns, 
sees Jennie and speaks with exasperation.) For the love 
of Mike, Jennie, why the cyclone? Don't you realize the 
state of my nerves? 

(Jennie turns suddenly, her eyes big with excitement. 



EASY TERMS 7 

Her face is half covered with coal dust. She holds her 
hand up warningly. It also is black.) 

Jennie. Sh-h-h-h ! 

Jimmie (starts back.zvith a cry of alarm as he sees her 
face). Great Scott! What's happened to you? 

Jennie. I had to come through the cellar-way. I fell 
into the soft-coal bin. 

Jimmie. Why didn't you come to the front door? Mur- 
phy got rid of that collector. 

Jennie. Murphy did not ! Nobody can get rid of that 
collector! He's there to collect. And there he's going to 
stay until he gets some money. 

Jimmie. Where's he going to get it? I gave you my 
last penny to go to the store. 

Jennie. If I had stood on that corner much longer I'd 
have been arrested for loitering. A policeman had his eye 
on me. Say, Jimmie, did you get a look at that man down- 
stairs ? 

Timmie. No; but they're all beginning to look alike to 
me. I'm just learning to appreciate how a rabbit feels with 
a pack of hounds at his heels. 

Jennie. Well, this man's a new one. I never saw him 
before. 

Jimmie. That's what Murphy says. I'll bet they are 
trying to catch us by putting new men on our trail. (Jennie 
has put two small parcels on the table; she now goes up 
stage to buffet mirror, takes out her handkerchief and tries 
to get some of the coal dust from her face.) What did 
you get at the delicatessen? 

Iennie (with her back to audience, facing the mirror). 
A loaf of rye, some smoked herring and an onion. 

Jimmie (at table, opening the parcels with disgust). 
Smoked herring ! And I'm starved to death ! 

Jennie (turns to look at him, with one side of her face 
clean). Well, what did you expect for thirty cents — a 
banquet ? 

(There is a loud, sharp knock at the door.) 



8 EASY TERMS 

Jimmie. There's Murphy again. 

Jennie. Maybe it's the collector. 

Jimmie. Good Lord, hasn't he got a home? 

Jennie. He's the worst one we've had yet. Say, Jimmie, 
maybe it isn't a collector. Suppose it's a deputy sheriff 
with a writ of habeas corpus — to take this furniture? 

Jimmie {zvith disgust). A writ of habeas corpus! Do 
you know what you're talking about? 

Jennie. Certainly. I'm speaking in the language of 
the law. If you don't understand it, that's your misfor- 
tune. 

Jimmie. Habeas corpus ! If they ever came with a writ 
of habeas corpus, they wouldn't take the furniture. They'd 
take us ! You mean a writ of replevin. 

Jennie. Oh, well, what's the difference? 

(The sharp knock at the door is repeated. They both 
start guiltily.) 

Jimmie. Jennie, you had better answer it. Put him off, 
somehow. A woman is better at that sort of thing than 
a man. She knows just what to say — more finesse, as it 
were. Go on, Jen'. You know how to do it. 

Jennie. Oh, is that so? It's your turn, anyway. 

Jimmie. But I had my turn while you were out. Had 
an awful time with Murphy. He wants a dollar every 
time he gets rid of a collector. He's getting to be worse 
than they are. 

Jennie. I've told so many lies I can't think of any more. 

Jimmie {pushing her toward the door). Oh, yes, you 
can. A woman can always think of something. 

Jennie {with hand on door — but doesn't open it). I 
can't think of a thing, Jimmie. Help me. 

Jimmie. Tell him your husband has just died — and 
you're waiting to collect the insurance. 

Jennie {affected — almost to tears). Oh, no. Jimmie. I 
c-couldn't — 

Jimmie (speaks in half-whisper). Well, say he's very 



EASY TERMS 9 

sick — and is likely to die at any moment. That's no lie. 
I'm half starved now. 

Jennie {tearfully). N-no, Jimmie — I c-couldn't — 

Jimmie. Oh, well, oi course, it isn't true. What's the 
matter with you — 

Jennie (in tears, leaves the door, comes dozun and 
weeps on his shoulder). J-just the th-thought of you d-dy- 
ing, Jimmie ! I couldn't s-s-stand it. 

Jimmie. But I'm not going to die, Jen'. Honest, I'm 
not. 

Jennie (drying her tears and regaining her old may\- 
ner). Well, it would be just like you to go and leave me 
to face those collectors alone. 

(The knock on door is very loud this time. They jump.) 

Jimmie. Quick, Jen' ; before they break the door down. 

Jennie (goes to door, her hands raised in prayer). Oh, 
Lord, you've never done much for me before — but give me 
inspiration now. 

Jimmie (solemnly). A-men ! 

Jennie, with great courage, opens the door. Is some- 
zvhat relieved to find that it is only Murphy. 

Jennie. Oh, did you knock? 

Murphy. Did I knock? Where were you? Down in 
the cellar? (To Jimmie.) I can't get rid oi that fellow. 
He's hanging around the front hall yet. Say, Mr. Smith, 
have you got that dollar? 

Jimmie (disgusted) . If I had a dollar I wouldn't speak 
to you. 

Murphy. Oh, is that so? Well, that guy can camp on 
the front doorstep all night, for all I care. 

(Murphy exits. Jennie closes the door.) 

Jimmie (disheartened). Good Lord! We're beginning 
to feel like a couple of criminals. 

Jennie. We're beginning to act like a couple, anyway. 
Maybe it won't be all acting after a while. I think we're 
headed for jail, myself. 



10 EASY TERMS 

Jimmie (consoling her). Nonsense. They can't jail you 
for debt. 

Jennie (sinks wearily into chair). I'd just as soon they 
would. The peacefulness and quiet of a nice penitentiary 
is beginning to appeal to me. Just think, Jimmie — those 
lucky chaps don't have to worry about rent, or weekly 
instalments, or anything. 

Jimmie. It doesn't sound bad. Three meals a day, and 
a place to sleep — for nothing. Think of it! 

Jennie. But you can't come out from behind those gray 
stone walls — 

Jimmie. I wouldn't care. I've seen everything anyway. 
(Sinks luxuriously into big chair.) Ah, but they don't 
have nice things like these to sit on — 

Jennie. Nice things like these ! I'm beginning to hate 
the sight of them. Every time I sit in this chair, I worry 
because it isn't paid for. Every time I eat at that table, I 
realize it doesn't belong to us. Ever}- time I look into that 
mirror I seem to see the face of a cheat looking back at 
me (Rises.) 

Jimmie (rising and going to her). Why, Jennie, don't 
let it get you like that. We'll pull through somehow. You 
wanted these things, you know. You had to have 
them — 

Jennie (quickly). Well, all my friends have nice things. 
Don't you think I have some pride ? 

Jimmie. But they are all in the same boat. John Morton 
makes forty dollars a week, and his weekly expenses run 
up to sixty. Tom Jones is doing the same. So is Harry 
Daiger. I could name twenty of them that are living be- 
yond their means. And all for what? To show off. Try- 
ing to bluff the world into believing they're better off than 
they are 

Jennie (interrupting again). But we all have to eat — 
and dress — and have furniture — 

Jimmie. We can do with things within our means; live 
in cheaper places ; wear cheaper clothes — 



EASY TERMS 11 

Jennie (cynically). Live in some back street; wear 
gingham wrappers. I'd just as soon be dead. 

Jimmie, But you knew we would have a hard time keep- 
ing up payments on this stuff when we bought it. 

Jennie. It would have been all right if you hadn't been 
laid off. It looked so easy at the start. A small cash pay- 
ment — and easy terms. "Easy terms !" Huh ! There ain't 
no such animal. 

Jimmie. You said it. 

Jennie (in tears, going to Jim for sympathy). Oh, Jim, 
it's getting so expensive to live. What are we going to do? 

Jimmie (his arms around her). I don't know, darling. 

Jennie. I saw an advertisement in the paper this morn- 
ing that I couldn't help reading. 

Jimmie (warningly) . No more instalment furniture. 

Jennie (drying her eyes). No, here it is. (Picks up 
newspaper from chair. Gives it to him, pointing out an ad- 
vertisement.) There it is. Read. 

Jimmie (reading). "Why live when it's so cheap to 
die? Stylish funerals at only seventy-five dollars. Easy 
terms!" (He shrieks and throws down the paper.) There 
it is again. "Easy Terms !" They even try to induce you 
to die on the instalment plan. "Stylish funerals." Who 
cares for style when you're dead? Jennie, did you intend 
that as a joke? 

Jennie (turns her tear-stained face to him). Do I look 
as if I felt like joking? 

Jimmie. Well, if you feel like you look, you must be 
having an awful time. 

Jennie (going off into tears again). I am. I'm utterly 
miserable. I never dreamed that money could make you 
feel iike this. 

Jimmie. My dear, our trouble isn't money. It's the 
lack of money. The high cost of living is driving us to the 
wall. 

Jennie (between her sobs). And they s-say things are 
cm-coming down 

Jimmie. "Coming down !" The only things that are 



12 EASY TERMS 

coming down are these confounded collectors. They are 
coming down on us like a pack of hounds. Jennie, it's 
getting serious. We've got to do something — and do some- 
thing quick. 

Jennie. You can't get a raise, can you, Jimmie? 

Jimmie. A raise? In salary? Say, if I asked that old 
skinflint I work for for a raise, he'd discharge me. He 
thinks he's paying me too much now. 

Jennie. Maybe I could find something to do. 

Jimmie. You? What could you do? 

Jennie. N-n-nothing. 

Jimmie. You've never earned a dollar in your life. Do 
you know it takes a woman with some business ability or 
talent to go out into the world these days and make a liv- 
ing? Besides, I wouldn't let you go. So there's no use 
thinking of that. 

Jennie {desperately). Well, we've got to think of some- 
thing. 

Jimmie {seriously). It's a pity that burglary is against 
the law. 

Jennie {frightened). Jimmie! Oh, not that! 

Jimmie. I know lots of people who have more than they 
need. And they didn't earn it, either. Some of 'em, by 
Jove, didn't even come by it honestly — 

Jennie. Jim, please ! 

Jimmie. It oughtn't to be a crime to take some of it away 
from them. And it would be easy — 

Jennie. Jim! What are you saying? 

Jimmie. Oh, I don't mean I'd kill them. But I'd like 
to go up to a certain party I know, and say : "Look here, 
you old crab-faced miser — " 

Jennie {more frightened at his speech). Oh, Jim, you 
wouldn't do that? 

Jimmie (seeming to be acting out his tlwughts). "You 
double-dyed crook, hand over some of your ill-gotten 
gain — " 

Jennie {catching his arm, pleadingly). Jim — please — 
you frighten me ! 



EASY TERMS 13 

Jimmie {more and more lost in the imaginary role he is 
playing). "Hand it over, I say, or I'll blow up your — " 
(The speaking-tube whistles shrilly. Jim comes to himself 
with a start.) My Lord ! What's 'that? 

Jennie. It's another collector. Or maybe it's the same 
one. 

a 

Jimmie. Well, what's the difference? All collectors look 
alike to me. And they all speak the same language : "Gimme 
— gimme — gimme." 

Jennie. Let's hot answer it. We're too polite. We 
answer every time they call. 

Jimmie. That's so. Let 'em whistle. 

Jennie (picks up newspaper) . Jim, I think we had bet- 
ter look for a cheaper apartment. 

Jimmie. Ye may seek, but ye will not find. 

Jennie (reads something in the paper that surprises 
her). Oh, Jim, listen to this. 

Jimmie. What is it now, Jennie? You find more things 
in a newspaper than I ever knew were there. 

Jennie (reads). "Why pay rent?" 

Jimmie. Why what did you say? 

Jennie. I'm reading. Here it is in black and white : 
"Why pay rent?" 

Jimmie. Why, indeed? Is it supposed to be a new kind 
of conundrum? 

Jennie. No, indeed. It's just a plain real estate ad : 
"Why pay rent?" 

Jimmie. Oh, I guess it's like the undertaker's ad: "Why 
live when it's so cheap to die?" "Why pay rent, when it's 
cheaper to move?" 

Jennie. Listen. (Reads.) "Seventy-five dollars a month 
buys your home." 

Jimmie. Seventy-five? Why, we're paying more for this 
apartment. 

Jennie (more excited). Isn't it wonderful! Listen: 
"Six large sunny rooms and bath — steam heat — hot water 
heaters — electric lighting — gas ranges — hardwood flooring 



14 EASY TERMS 

— large, commodious closets — location in beautiful sub- 
urban park — " 

Timmie. All for seventy-five? 

Jennie. With a small cash payment — and — E a s y 
Terms ! 

Jimmie (gives a yell). "Easy terms!" I knew it! You 
can't escape them ! 

Jennie. But just think, Jimmie — your own home. 

Jimmie. That has a pleasant sound, hasn't it? 

Jennie. Your own home ! It sounds like a dream ! 

Jimmie. Well, it won't cost anything to look at it. How 
do you get there? 

Jennie. It tells you that right here. Full instructions. 

Jimmie. Ain't that nice of them? 

Jennie. Listen. (Reads.) "You take the Interborough 
subway — Pennsylvania branch — to Union avenue — then 
take Union avenue trolley to Reid avenue. Transfer at 
Church street at the corner of Union to an Alabama boule- 
vard car and ride to end of line. Then take automobile or 
bus to Randall avenue and Clarkson street. Get off and 
walk seven blocks north to Bigelow Square. And then " 

Jimmie. And then it'll be time to turn around and come 
back to work again. 

Jennie. Oh, Jim, I'd love to live, in the country. 

Jimmie. So would I. But I don't intend to spend the 
rest of my life on a trolley car. 

Jennie (sentiment ally). Did you ever watch the sunset 
in the country, Jim? 

Jimmie. Did I? Why I was raised on a farm. 

Jennie. Oh, Jim, you never told me that. 

Jimmie. Well, you were a city girl. I was afraid you 
wouldn't care for a hayseed. 

Jennie. Yes, I'm a city girl ; born and raised among 
tenements, where the buildings are so high that one never 
tries to look above them to the sun and the stars. But, oh, 
I love the country, Jim. I detest cities, with their crowds 
and noises. I'd give anything to have a little cottage in 
the beautiful open country, with the green hills all around — 



EASY TERMS 15 

Jimmie. So would I, Jen'. I've always had a longing- to 
get back. But I didn't think you'd like it. 

Jennie. I'd love it ! Come here and let me tell you the 
kind of house I'd like to have. (Drazus him to the big 
chair dozvn right. He sits in the chair. She sits on the arm 
of the chair, with one arm around his neck.) It must be 
painted white, with green shutters, and a broad veranda 
all the way around. There must be a small orchard, and 
plenty of berry bushes. A big red barn — 

Jimmie (interrupting). For the horses and the cows — 

Jennie. And a chicken run — 

Jimmie. For the chickens — 

Jennie. And our little farm stretching out all around 
us. Won't it be great? 

Jimmie (with enthusiasm). It'll be better than that! 

Jennie. Tell me, Jim, what did you love best on the 
farm you had? 

Jimmie. The chickens! 

Jennie. Jim, couldn't we — some day — have a little place 
like that? 

Jimmie. Why, Jen', that wouldn't be so hard. When I 
think of what we are paying for this place — and what we 
could get for half the money in the country ! But you're 
sure you wouldn't be lonesome? 

Jennie. Lonesome? With you — and the cows — and the 
horses — I guess not. 

Jimmie. You forgot the chickens. 

Jennie (eagerly). Jim, let's save our money and buy 
a little farm. 

Jimmie. A fine idea, Jennie; when we get some money 
to save. 

Jennie (inspired). WVli let the instalment people take 
back all this stuff. I'll sell my engagement ring. We'll 
live for a while in a cheap furnished room. Pretty soon 
we'll have the first payment — 

Jimmie. Now, Jen', don't say "easy terms" again. 

Jennie. But after we move in, it will be the same as 



16 EASY TERMS 

paying rent. And it will be ours. Won't that be wonder- 
ful? 

Jimmie. Jennie, I said a minute ago that you couldn't 
make a living. I take it back. You ought to be a real estate 
salesman. 

Jennie. But, Jim, listen — will you do it? 

Jimmie. I'll do anything to get away from those col- 
lectors. And you'll be surprised how much I know about 
running a farm. 

Jennie. Then it's a go? (Holds out her hand to him.) 

Jimmie (clasps her hand). It is! From now on and 
forever more, no more instalments for us. No more pay- 
ing landlords; no more collectors; the simple life for ours. 

(The speaking-tube whistles. They are startled.) 

Jennie. What's that? 

Jimmie (indicating tube). The "Who's-it" is at it again. 
You go, Jennie. 

Jennie. I will go. I'm not afraid of any collectors 
now. Let them take their old furniture. We should worry. 
(Goes courageously to the speaking tube.) 

Jimmie. "Optimism" is that girl's middle name. 

Jennie (speaks into tube). Hello? (Listens.) Yes, this 
is Mrs. Smith, and I suppose you are Guggenheimer &' 
Dulsenheimer's collector, and you might as well go home 
and get your supper, because we haven't got any money 
for you this week, and we won't have any next week, and 
maybe the week after that. And if you don't like it, you 
can lump it, and take your old furniture. Anyway, it 
wasn't worth the money you charged for it in the first 
place. And in the second place, we are going to let you 
have it back, because we are going to live on a farm, and 
don't want your old stuff. * * Well, I am listening ! You 
won't let me get a word in edgeways. * * (Listens.) What's 
that? * * (Her voice changes.) Huh? * * I beg your 
pardon, I didn't get that. * * Who did you say you were? 
(Listens.) **A lawyer ! (Turns to speak to Jimmie, in 



EASY TERMS 17 

frightened whisper.) Jim, it's a lawyer. What does that 
mean ? Are we pinched ? 

Jimmie. A lawyer? Who did he ask for? 

Jennie. Wait. I'll see. (Speaks into tube.) Who is it 
you want to speak to? * * (Listens.) Mister Smith? (With 
relief, leaves tube.) It's you, Jim. He distinctly said 
"Mister" ! 

Jimmie (goes reluctantly to tube and speaks into it). 
Hello? (Listens.) Yes, I'm Mr. James W. Smith. What's 
the charge? * * I mean, what is it you want? 

Jennie (having gone down to table, speaks in a hoarse 
whisper). Jimmie — is it a penitentiary offense to owe 
money? 

Jimmie (listening at tube, motions with his hand for her 
to keep quiet). Oh, yes. * * Yes. * * (Listens.) Yes. * * 

Jennie. Can't you say anything but "yes"? 

Jimmie (still speaking into tube). No. * * Oh, my Uncle 
Hiram? * * Yes; I believe I did have an Uncle Hiram. * * 
Yes, I'm quite sure I had an Uncle Hiram. * * (Listens.) 
Oh, he's dead ! 

Jennie. Oh, dear, more trouble. Now I guess we'll 
have to bury him. Where's that undertaker's ad? (Looks 
for newspaper.) 

Jimmie (listening at tube). Oh, you don't say. What 
did he die of? 

Jennie. If it's contagious, Jim, don't have him brought 
here. 

Jimmie (in shocked tones). Good heavens! 

Jennie (frightened by his tone). Oh, is it that bad? 

Jimmie (speaking into tube, in excited tones). What! Do 
you mean it? Oh, that's great! * * (Changes to more so- 
ber tones.) Oh, I mean I'm sorry he's dead. We all have 
to die, you know. It's too bad. How much did he leave? 
* * Great Scott— that's fine! * * Oh, of course, I'm terri- 
bly sorry. But you don't know what this means to me, 
mister — what's your name? * * (Listens.) Mr. Scoggins— 
oh, yes, of Scoggins & Scoggins. * * Yes. * * Yes. * * 



18 EASY TERMS 

I'll be at your office in the morning — Scoggins & Scoggins, 
243 Broadway, ten-thirty. * * Right, sir. I'll be there at 
ten-twenty-nine. Good-bye — and God bless you! {Leaves 
speaking tube ; seems to be in a daze.) 

Jennie {has been listening with puzzled expression). 
Jim! What was it? I didn't understand — 

Jimmie. Jennie, if this is a dream, don't wake me up. 

Jennie. But who is Scoggins, of Scoggins & Scoggins? 
And what are you going to do at his office? Have they 
got you for anything? 

Jimmie. Jen', hold on to me tight. Now, don't faint. 

Jennie {holding on to him). Oh, my Lord, what is it? 

Jimmie {impressively). We're rich! 

Jennie. Oh, no, no, Jim ! Not us ! It can't be true. 
How did it happen? 

Jimmie. My Uncle Hiram — God bless him — has died. 
And I am his only heir. 

Jennie. Oh, Jimmie — how much did he leave you? 

Jimmie. Now, don't faint. Ten thousand dollars. 

Jennie {leans weakly against him for support). Oh, is 
there so much money in the world ? 

Jimmie. There is. And it is ours. By Jove, I feel like 
Monte Cristo ! {Struts about tlie room.) The world is 
mine ! 

Jennie. Now, Jimmie, don't get extravagant. 

Jimmie. Now let Guggenheimer & Dulsenheimer come. 
Let them do their worst ! They can take their old stuff. It's 
not good enough for us now. We'll have some real fur- 
niture. And won't we show John Morton, Tom Jones and 
the rest of our friends some style? We'll open their eyes — 

Jennie (growing more excited). Oh, Jim, won't it be 
wonderful ! Hattie Morton is always bragging about their 
handsome living room suite. She makes me tired. 

Jimmie. And so is John. That's all I've been hearing for 
the past six months. Well, say, we'll show 'em a thing or 
two. Just wait. 

Jennie. Oh, I saw some beautiful things advertised in 
the paper this morning. Let's see. Where was it? {Hast- 



EASY TERMS 19 

ily grasps the paper, and excitedly turns pages until she 
comes to a full-page furniture advertisement.) It was gor- 
geous! All over-stuffed in gray tapestry. Wait — here it 
is. There's a picture of it. Isn't that wonderful? 

Jimmie {scanning the advertisement). That's great. Beats 
theirs all to pieces. 

Jennie. Just look at that davenport — and those chairs 
— aren't they marvelous ? And only six hundred dol- 
lars ! 

Jimmie. That's cheap — when you've got ten thousand! 
We'll order it in the morning. 

Jennie. No — to-day, Jim ; to-day. It may be gone to- 
morrow. 

Jimmie. That's so. 

Jennie. And next week we'll give a little party and in- 
vite the Mortons and Daigers over to see our new things. 
Get your hat. We'll go now. 

(She gets her hat and hastily puts it on. Jimmie gets his. 
They start arm in arm toward center door, chatting mean- 
while. ) 

Jimmie. Say ! I can see Harry Daiger's eyes now ! They'll 
pop out of his head. 

Jennie. And Hattie! She'll be green with jealousy. 

Jimmie (turns back). Here. Wait a minute. We're for- 
getting the paper. Where's that ad? 

Jennie (takes up nezvspaper and folds it to place show- 
ing the ad). Here it is. We'll take it along. You know 
those furniture people. They'll try to put something else 
off on you. To think of it — only six hundred dollars ! 

Jimmie. And only a hundred down — 

Jennie (going arm in arm with Jimmie to center door) 
— and easy terms! 

(They exeunt arm in arm, through center door.) 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



Gettin* Acquainted 

BY 

Georgia Earle 

QUAINT, small-town comedy in 1 act; 1 male, 2 
females. Time, 25 minutes. Scene: A New Eng- 
land sitting- room. Played for three years by the 
talented authoress herself, on the Keith and Orpheum 
circuits; in New York, Chicago, Toronto, San Fran- 
cisco, New Orleans and cities in between, it struck a 
new note in vaudeville and has been compared with 
"The Old Homestead," Mary E. Wilkins' stories, etc. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Jane Stewart A Spinster 

Priscilla Stewart Her Sister, Also a Spinster 

John Purdy A Wooer for Fifteen Years 

All have heard of men who courted for years and 
did not "pop"; most communities can furnish living 
examples. The idea has never been used before with 
such clever and sprightly results. Honest, slow- think- 
ing, yet withal determined John Purdy had spent 15 
years just gettin' acquainted with the Stewart sisters, 
Jane and Priscilla. Finally Jane "goes and gets herself 
engaged" to another man but decides to bring matters 
to a focus for Priscilla. She determines to "make it 
snappy" and poor old John is "railroaded" into camp. 
Splendid lines and "business" so unusually clever as 
to place it almost in a class by itself among one-act 
plays. Like most talented creations, its simplicity 
commends it; well adapted to amateur presentation. 
Very minute directions for staging, acting and "busi- 
ness." Four excellent half-tone reproductions of scenes. 

Professional stage rights reserved and a 
royalty of five dollars required for amateur 
Performance. Price, Per Copy, 35 Cents 



T. S. Denison & Company, Publishers 

623 S. Wabash Ave. CHICAGO 



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1 

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1-922 



Denison's Acti 015 JS Jls ' 

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